God asks us to be so close to him we eat his flesh and drink his blood. So close He builds our bodies up and flows through us. So close that we are hidden in him. What does it mean to know God like this? How am I to follow my heat's beating for this call? I feel far- held down and strangled by everything right now. If this is what it takes for my wedding to take place- then its no wonder it takes an apocalypse for God to marry the church...

There's too much to take in... and too much to do in a day... and too many people to please...

Lord, I need your help. Come now for me and build me up far above. Help Steph too, Lord. Im tired already. Keep me with you today.

I feel like the boy with a little bread and fish in the face of way too many mouths to feed. Remind me today of who you are, Lord.

Show me your ways.

Help this heart of mine.

-ryan

But you have saved the best for last

Today I read in John (I like John...)
about how God saves the best for last-
how through Jesus we know what grace and love look like.
I liked the bit about the wedding feast at Cana- how Jesus' meddling mother pushed him to turn the water into wine. The head waiter said something cool- I'm sure you already know but I'll say it anyway- Most people serve the good wine first- then serve the junky wine after everyone is already drunk- But not God. Not Jesus.
After all the good stuff- after all the best times...
it's never, oh- and now it's all over- those sure were great times! but never more.
God knows our hearts- our deep places.
and even after we cant even feel it because we drank ourselves silly with all the old ways,
he gives us something more- better- greater.
It's how we know what grace and love is.

I think I took this home for many reasons,
but the foremost of them (at least, the one that's on my mind right now)
is something I was stuck on for a long time.
For a long time, I always thought my time during high school,
when God had me leading CrossFire - a weekly 50+ person Bible Study was it.
I had all these dreams and plans built around the Ryan I was then.
I thought it was the best God had to offer.
And when I went to Missouri for college
I went to the desert lands (spiritually speaking)
it was my Arabia.
God didnt speak to me like back then
I felt like I was dying
-so dry I almost forgot the smell of rain.
I was so full of life I got moldy.
And so in the humidity of the midwest I was dried out again.
I am convinced I am constantly, perpetually, being made into a new creation.
I dont know where I'll go or what I'll do-
But I know God always has even more to give and to show me.
That's how I see it.
That's how I know it.

I know that no one really reads this blog- but if you do, I hope you get something from it.

I dont know how to explain it- but it's best when it's raining. when it's quiet God says something to me.

When I prayed this morning while I drove to work that God would open up my senses to him,
then, at work, he is. Right now.

And I feel like I wasnt really living all the time before. I felt as if I had just gone from very small to very large- and the world was spinning all around me.

God has something better for me.

Thank you.

Ghosts of a Past Comment

Something I've discovered in life is to treat people as people- nothing more, nothing less. I think that's part of the reason why I don't pay much attention to titles- I pay attention to who the person is - who they really are (If you understand me).

Many a time is when people hide behind labels, titles, arguments, theological tenets, philosophical predispositions and scientific theories. I'm not really sure why... maybe you know...

I've noticed that when someone reacts rather strongly against something, take Christianity for example, it is usually because they're really reacting against something that happened in the past. Sometimes, they have a good reason for being angry too, if you dont immediately feel like you need to fight what they're saying... Sometimes, those past hurts can be surprising too! There is always a reason, it seems...

To quote a smart, rather witty guy, "the spell must be unwound bit by bit"- I think it's similar with hurting people- you typically cant just tell them the answer- you have to show them, sometimes for a good long while if the hurt is really deep...

I dont know... go try it out and see if I'm found wanting...

Until then... read CS Lewis or something...

-Ryan

Wherever you go, there He is...

Today was rough- im still sipping tea in the hopes of alleiving my headache... I left the house stressed, late and just generally frazzled. My jeep's gas gage was buried and I still had to drive to my other office out of town.

Sigh.

But you know what's funny?

The Beatles.

yes. that's right. You were probably expecting something deep and spiritual... nope- not from here you're not getting none of that.

My sister lent me her ipod (I really REALLY need to get my own... someday)

And as I drove- I just sank into the music.

And when I got to my office, and I had a spare moment to journal- as I was letting my frustrations flow with the ink of my pen onto the page- I noticed the verse at the bottom.

Jeremiah 29:11-12.

Just so you know, God haunts me with that verse. It just keeps popping up in my life- and I've learned that whenever i see it, it is not an accident or coincidence- God is up to something... (as usual)

so there it was: For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future.

The journal was probably printed in the 90's... and I don't usually bring my journal into work, either. But there God was. It's comforting to think that wherever we're going in life, God is already there- with a plan and open arms, ready to help us out with exactly what we need most. Remember that. And trust Him- especially when He's mischievous...

Summer Storms and Dreams

Last night a massive thunderstorm rolled through Albuquerque where I live. My sister and a friend of ours went to an old film noir and outside I could hear the rain pounding and the thunder clashing- inside, just a couple dozen people and celluloid flickering on an old screen. And I was thinking how many people have dreams for their lives- and what they're doing about it. Whether its working in Christian radio, owning your own coffee shop- or just having a little piece of something just for yourself- I wonder why we don't reach for our deepest desires more often.

Why do we dream- if we don't allow ourselves to reach for them?

I think these deep desires of our hearts and souls come from somewhere- I think that all the good we see flickering in this world is the glinting reflections of the goodness of Heaven. And that is what draws us and calls us to yearn for our dreams. Like magnets or umbrellas and rain- we go together- Heaven's love and us (in the deepest sense). And so it makes me wonder why we don't follow hard after our hopes and dreams all the more.

See, it's like flying- for a couple hundred dollars we can fly almost anywhere in the whole world, but most of us don't cross state lines too often. It's like we harbor our hopes inside while the world turns, and little by little, we convince ourselves that "the real world" is the only one we'll ever reach- the black and white, tasteless, odorless and mundane.

I'm not saying to give up on living life today, but I am saying- never give up what you most hope for- within reason, why cant we actually live them one day?

"Some people see things that are and ask why, I dream things that never were and ask, why not?" -JFK

Fed by Ravens

Today I was reminded, yet again, of just how great God is.

Despite all my worries and all my scheming- he supplies me in the deep places of my heart. And through it, I think Im learning to be more and more thankful for even the littlest of these. There is a goodness and a beauty which resides there that I feel im not even qualified to look at, let alone touch. But Im blown away when God tells me its for me. Wow. I guess Im so used to fake people and cynical offers that I've grown distrustful in my heart towards others. So when genuinely good things come around, I find myself eyeing them doubtfully and heaping all the worry and stringent guilt on myself. Learning to love others can be easy enough, but learning to love myself- that's hard. And I honestly dont know what to do. It seems like there are so many people around me who are hurting or destructive- and my heart yearns to help- and as I instinctively reach out, I leave nothing for myself. Run long enough and I go empty. I need to learn to seek out God's water for my soul- until then I'm only a summer cloud without rain. Pray for me.

All Things

What humbles me most, I think, is that God works through all things.

He takes all situations that we find ourselves in, or see ourselves with no way out- and uses it to show us more of Him if we are looking for it. Dont get me wrong- it still takes eyes to see! But once you begin to practice taking in God, you come to find He's a blatantly sneaky fellow- which makes what he does all the more awesome. Whether he humbles us or honors us- what a joy. Wow.

I just finished reading Philippians- and in this book is the secret to joy.

Are you ready?

Are you listening?

When we quiet ourselves down, when we, from the depths of our souls express to the Lord our deep-centred thankfulness- then we have joy. There is no anxiousness there- only peace. And that is a wonderful thing. We can do all things through Christ who gives us strength.

He gives us each day- what beauty!

He loves us, whether we fall or stand, what mercy!

And when we live in him, we are hidden in him- what a sanctuary!

There is no fear in Love, and God is Love.

So it is written, so shall it be done (Amen.)